2 am can't sleep

so many things that don't matter race through my head.

I've lost something since getting a job...
I miss that feeling of insecurity where I ran towards God with open arms begging Him to hold me and let me rest in His presence, trusting completely that He would provide for me.

life is good lately. everything is right in my life.
family relationships are healing. home feels like home, more like home than it has since I was four years old. my roommates make me laugh harder than I have laughed in probably two years. twice this week I have choked on water, and several more times this week I have cried from laughing too hard. and we have been eating very well. there is a deepness in my friendships here in santa barbara; we are living reality I think, not too fearful and not too disillusioned but happy and honest and hopeful. old dusty friendships from high school and junior high, even elementary school, are being renewed, and I am surprised by how much I have to offer them, and how they too can fill my life with joy and richness.

really there is nothing lacking in my life. all is as it should be, as I've always wanted it to be.


and yet...I can't quite explain it.
just this feeling that has haunted me my entire life, living daily knowing I have been given so much and falling so often into guilt for all the good in my life and all the heartache I have been spared and especially for all that I have left undone. gratefulness is not enough, it seems.

there is this strange pressure I feel within me to be someone or do something important because of where I come from and what I have been given...but the fear is too large for me and so I do nothing.


mumford and sons is daily changing my life. they teach me to feel honestly whether that is irrepressible joy that runs through my veins and makes my heart beat faster and makes me want to run and leap and dance...or whether that is deep melancholy and sadness that makes me want to huddle in a little ball in my bed and cry til I can cry no more because the world is too big and life is too harsh for someone so young and fragile. but mostly they have been teaching me to hope even so.


but there will come a time you'll see with no more tears
and love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears
get over your hill and see what you find there
with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair


listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqUsAHTUPTU